On Duty

for soprano, tenor and piano
Lyrics by GW Bush and Condoleezza Rice

Telephone rings.  

Secretary/pianist/: Mr. President, Condoleezza Rice is here to see you.
GW: Good, send her in.
Secretary: Yessir.  

Hangs up. Ms. Rice enters the stage.  

Rice: Good morning, Mr. President.
GW: Oh, Condoleezza, nice to see you. What's happening?
Rice: Well, Mr. President. I have the report here about the new leader in China.
GW: Great, Condi. Lay it on me.
Rice: Mr. President, Hu is the new leader of China.
GW: Well, that's what I want to know.
Rice: But that's what I'm telling you, Mr. President.
GW: Well, that's what I'm asking you, Condi: who is the new leader of China?
Rice: Yes.
GW: I mean the fellow's name.
Rice: Hu.
GW: The guy in China.
Rice: Hu.
GW: The new leader of China.
Rice: Hu.
GW: The Chinaman.
Rice: Hu is leading China, Mr. President.
GW: Whaddya' asking me for?
Rice: I'm telling you: Hu is leading China.
GW: Well, I'm asking you, Condi: who is leading China?
Rice: That's the man's name.
GW: That's who's name?
Rice: Yes.  

GW: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Rice: Yes, sir.
GW: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Rice: That's correct.
GW: Then who is in China?
Rice: Yes, sir.
GW: Yassir is in China?
Rice: No, sir.
GW: Then who is?
Rice: Yes, sir.
GW: Yassir?
Rice: No, sir.  

GW: Condi, you're starting to piss me off now and it's not 'cause you're black neither. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. So why don't you get me the Secretary General of the United Nations on the phone?
Rice: Kofi Annan?
GW: No, thanks. And Condi, call me George. Stop with that Ebonics crap.
Rice: You want Kofi?
GW: No!
Rice: You don't want Kofi?
GW: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Rice: Yes, sir.
GW: Not Yassir! The guy at the United Nation!
Rice: Kofi?
GW: Milk! Will you please make that call?
Rice: And call who?
GW: Well, who is the guy at the U.N.?
Rice: No, Hu is the guy in China.
GW: Will you stay out of China?!
Rice: Yes, sir.
GW: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N!
Rice: Kofi.
GW: All right! With cream and two sugars! Now get on the phone!  

Phone rings.  

Rice: Hello. Rice, here.
GW: Rice? Good idea. And get a couple of egg rolls too, Condi. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China… And the Middle East.  

Hangs up.  

GW: Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East? I don't know.